I’m a big fan of the magi.
Whether they were kings, wise men, mystics, astrologers or what have you, they most certainly were seekers. They wanted to believe in something, and they wanted to find the truth. I suspect a lot of us can relate to that.
That’s why around the turn of the year, I don’t get too excited about New Year’s Eve parties, nor do I put much stock in New Year’s resolutions. Epiphany, on the other hand, is something I can get fired up about.
Epiphany is what we all really want, isn’t it?
The resolutions we tend to make — Lose weight! Be a better person! Save more money! Pray more often! Watch less TV! — are short-term goals or check-list items that we think will help us achieve what we truly need: a peaceful, content, “happy” life.
I envy the magi because when they saw the star, they knew something was up, and they had a tangible sign in the sky to follow. I’m not saying they had an easy time of it — surely they made sacrifices on that journey — but at least they knew they were on the right path.
For me, it never seems that clear, even though one could say I also have a star to follow in the form of the Scriptural teachings of Jesus. Why, then, do I feel like I never quite know for sure that I’m on the right track? And how do I keep letting the peace of Christ elude me?
I know something needs to change in my life, but I don’t know where to start. I need to break the habits of obsessing over my body image, putting myself down, dwelling on the negative and worrying constantly. But I don’t know how.
I want to believe that I am loved completely and fully and without reservation by a Creator who accepts me no matter what. Yet in my heart, I wonder whether I’ll be forgiven when all is said and done. I wonder if my life will be deemed worthy, or if I’ll be judged unfit. Couldn’t I have done more? Shouldn’t I have been better?
Oh, star of wonder, star of night, where are you when I need you? I so sincerely want to follow you to the place of truth and peace, where I’ll know that everything is as it should be.
My epiphany might not come by Jan. 6, but I do pray that I get a little closer to my destination each day.